SiriuslyLupin
08 June 2014 @ 11:02 pm
This past week was the ten year anniversary of when the Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban movie was released. I remember so clearly what I was doing when it came out and who I went to see it with. Ick. Things were an absolute mess with my now EX, but I stayed with him because...I'm not really sure why. Because he had been such a big part of my life for the previous six years and I was afraid of knowing anything different, I suppose. And there was a desperate hope that things wouldn't remain as miserable as they had gotten, that things would turn around for us at some point in the future. Thinking about that now makes me want to go back to that point in time and shake my younger self so damn hard.

But well, things hadn't always been so bad. For much of our relationship, I had been so deliriously happy, he had been so wonderfully different. And then things absolutely went to hell. I know now that he had become involved in drug use, and that certainly explains the abrupt change in his behavior and demeanor. While he had once been kind and caring, he was suddenly rude and demeaning. And yet I stayed, because I was desperately hoping (perhaps foolishly so) that he would be his old self again.

It's ten years later, and I have yet to see that happen. But that's a subject of another entry. Being a decade since the release of the third Harry Potter movie, it's just really gotten my thinking about where I was back then. Going by what I wrote down from back then, our relationship had less than three week of life left in it, and rightfully so. Things, life with him had become so ridiculously unbearable. It makes me crazy to think how much I put up with from him.

I'm still not even sure why he took me to see Prisoner of Azkaban . He was completely involved with his other girlfriend at the time and couldn't really care less about me, so why he went to see this movie with me, I'll never know. The movie, the fandom that I've now learned that he was desperately jealous of, because he thought I loved it more than I loved him. Well, that was probably entirely true, because like I said, he had already made his other girlfriend his priority. Was it any wonder I became so consumed in the fandom? I felt like it was all I had left. The fandom, my involvement in writing fanfiction, the friends I had made from it were some of the only positive things in my life. It literally saved my life at one of my lowest points, and he has the nerve of be jealous of it. It kept me going during some of my hardest times, and it was there for me when my "boyfriend" wasn't. The truth hurts.



Even going to see the movie was a production. He bitched about everything damn thing, from the amount of kids in the theatre and how crowded it was to the price of the tickets. Then what did he come for?? I didn't ask him to. I was more than capable of going to the movies by myself, but he wouldn't hear of it. Oh, but he had become ridiculously controlling by that point. God forbid I go anywhere without him there to supervise me. Of course he had to come. So he could bitch at me the entire time about how I was too obsessed with it.

Not a very memorable movie-going experience, especially for a Harry Potter premiere. But within three weeks, I would come to my senses and cut ties with him. I also ended up going to see Prisoner of Azkaban again, but with my dad that time. Which was how it should have been in the first place – entirely exciting and seeing it with someone I loved.

And now, oh god now – I look at where I am and I can hardly believe it. Free to come and go as I please, with a job that he's now jealous of, because the only work he could get was at McDonald's. At least, when he's not in jail, which is where he blissfully is at the moment. And best of all, I'm in love with someone else, someone I never thought I would have the good fortune of being with. Someone who treats me the way I deserve to be treated, god damn it. If you had told me ten years ago that this is the person I would have ended up with...holy shit, I think my mind would have broke.

Twenty-four year old me is laughing hysterically.
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Current Mood: nostalgicnostalgic
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SiriuslyLupin
25 March 2014 @ 09:25 pm
Be not so nervous, be not so frail,
Someone watches you, you will not fail.
Be not so nervous, be not so frail,
Be not so nervous, be not so frail.

Be not so sorry for what you've done,
You must forget them now, it's done.
And when you wake up, you'll find that you can run,
Be not so sorry for what you've done.
Be not so sorry for what you've done.

Be not so fearful, be not so pale,
Someone watches you, you will not leave the rails.
Be not so fearful, be not so pale,
Be not so fearful, be not so pale.

Be not so sorry for what you've done,
You must forget them now, it's done.
And when you wake up, you'll find that you can run,
Be not so sorry for what you've done.
Be not so sorry for what you've done.
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SiriuslyLupin
12 February 2014 @ 09:37 pm
This post has been a long time coming. Nearly six months in fact. Actually, truth be told, it's been a lot longer than that. Three and a half years. To make a long story short (too late), I fell in love with my best friend, and after years of trying to hide my feelings, I finally found out that she felt exactly the same way. But perhaps I'd better start at the beginning.

Ten years ago, I met supertgbta who would eventually become my best friend, but little did I know I'd someday fall in love with her. It wasn't until about three and a half years ago that I began to realize just how deep my feelings for her ran, just how much my feelings for her had changed in the seven years we'd known each other.

But I tried to hide it from her, from myself, from everyone. She's always been the one to speak up about her feelings, and if she never even gave me an inkling that she felt that way, I knew that this was an impossible love. One that would never happen. I didn't want to ruin things between us by telling her the truth, only to have my feelings not be reciprocated, and to make things awkward between us as a result.

It amazes me just how much I lied to myself about what I was feeling. I even tried to rationalize it to myself, to try and convince myself that I was imagining things. "I've always been straight," I told myself. "I've never been attracted to the same sex before, so why would I be now?" But deep down, I knew I was. Had been for a while, because feelings just don't change.

Unbeknownst to me at the time, she was fighting the same sorts of feelings, and hiding those things from each other took its toll. About three years ago, due to this and just a lack of communication between us in general, we stopped talking altogether. I can't even describe to you how awful that time was. Not only had I lost my best friend, but the person I was in love with. I was lost. We both were, and I didn't even know it.

Long story short (too late), things simply became too unbearable without her in my life. Inspired by a Facebook status from her, relayed to me by a mutual friend, and after some stalking detective work on my part, I tracked her down again. We started talking again, and things inexplicably felt completely comfortable between us again. There was no anger, there was no tension like there had been before. We were just both so thankful to have the other one back in our lives again. Even though I still had romantic feelings for her, I decided that I'd rather have her as a friend than not have her in my life at all, so I tried so damn hard to hide that part of myself.

And then it all changed one summer night last year, August 19th. I'll never forget the moment when she said to me, "Sometimes I wonder if things would be a lot simpler if you liked girls." I was completely blown away. Was she implying what I thought she was? And everything spilled out. Our mutual attraction for each other. How we were both completely, hopelessly, irretrievably in love with each other. How we had tried to hide it from each other for years. God, years. How we had tried to deny it to ourselves, because we both thought it was an impossible love. And we came to find out that it wasn't. Not in the least.

Twenty-three years ago, my soul mate came into this world. My other half. My true love. The one. The one I have been in love with for honestly longer than I can remember. My everything. And I don't know what I would do without her.

Happy birthday, my love <3
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SiriuslyLupin
27 January 2014 @ 10:25 pm
Justin "JewWario" Carmical
April 11, 1971 ~ January 23, 2014

♥ ♥ ♥

As some of you know, one of my favorite things to do is watch videos at That Guy With the Glasses (TGWTG). It's a website where internet reviewers get together and collaborate on all sorts of videos and projects. JewWario was one of my favorite contributors on the site, continuing even after he left it last year to concentrate on his own site, You Can Play This. He concentrated mainly on reviewing video games, especially those imported from Japan.

This past Saturday, his wife, Jenny announced that Justin had committed suicide on Thursday. I...still don't even know what to say about that. What is there to say? I've never "known" anyone who committed suicide before. I don't know if simply watching his videos and being a fan of his would even constitute "knowing" him. Even so, I have never been personally affected by suicide before in my life, and to say that this has shocked and saddened me to my core would be an understatement. I cried all day Saturday when I found out, pushed it away yesterday when I had to go to work, and now I'm back to crying off and on again.

To explain just how much this site and its reviewers mean to me, I'm going to take you back four and a half years. I was first introduced to this site during one of the most difficult times of my life - after my mother was hospitalized due to a heart attack, but before she subsequently passed away on June 29, 2009. I felt disconnected from and disinterested in a lot of things (which I'm beginning to feel again due to this recent turn of events, and I hate it). But oh god, I'll never forget when someone online suggested I watch a video over at TGWTG. It was the first time in weeks where I felt something, where I actually was able to forget about the problems with my mother for a little bit and laugh.

It was almost like a high that lasted for the duration of the video. As soon as it was over, I went looking through the rest of the site, desperately watching anything that caught my interest, and thankfully, there was a lot. Many of contributors had dozens, even hundreds of videos, and I hungrily watched them, wanting to get lost in the happiness and humor that they brought me. This went on for a long time - two years after my mother's passing - where I would spend my days going through older videos, waiting for anything new to pop up, and rewatching my favorites over and over again.

It got me through some dark days. Sometimes when I didn't even know how to function or how to even get through each day, these videos gave me a bit of a purpose. Because I had to see next week's videos to see how this storyline would play out, or to see how that review would go. They truly kept me going until that dark cloud started to lift during the summer of 2011. Two years spent feeling like I was at the end of my rope, and I have this website to thank for pulling me through.

Like I was, JewWario was always one of my favorites, not only for the content of his videos (he was the original Nintendo fanboy), but because he seemed like such a genuinely nice guy. He has an air about him that is just so comfortable and it always made me feel safe when I watched his content. A lot - no, all - of his friends are saying the same thing now, so I know it wasn't just me. He had a way of making you feel like he was talking directly to you and that you were important. He would take time to talk and interact with his fans, something that many people don't have the time for, and he always made each fan feel like they were the most important person on the earth. Just telling him that you enjoyed his videos, he would be so happy and enthusiastic, not like you were just "another fan". And something that always made me feel warm and fuzzy - he referred to everyone he interacted with as his "friend". Regardless of how well he knew you or didn't know you, you were his friend and he appreciated you. He was just such a wonderful, caring, genuine person, and there really aren't enough people like him on this planet. And it was definitely better for having him here for the short time we did.

I am definitely better for having been a fan of his. His videos, along with those of several others truly saved my life. I honestly don't know where I would be right now if I hadn't stumbled upon this website when I did, because it was my saving grace. He saved me, he helped me without even knowing it.

And it just kills me, kills a lot of people knowing what he chose to do. Just seeing the outpouring of support from all of his friends and fans right now is overwhelming. His friends keep saying that they had no idea that he was struggling so much, and if he had only said something, they would have done anything they could have. Even the support from the fans is unbelievable. They set up a fundraiser originally to help his best friend fly to Colorado for his funeral, but when it surpassed what she needed, she asked for the rest to be donated to his family to help with final expenses. As of this posting, it's nearly to $8,000.

If he had just asked for help...I don't know if he knew just how many people would have dropped everything in an instant to help him. I know that when you're caught up in depression, you often can't see that there are people around who love you and who are willing and ready to help you. He certainly had that and...he might not have known just how many people loved him and cared for him (to varying degrees, because I'm not going to pretend I know what any of his close friends are going through).

But like I said, this fandom is amazing me right now, friends and fans alike. Everyone, regardless of much or how little they knew him, is truly pulling together and helping each other through this, and I am so proud to be a part of this fandom right now. I wish, of course, that this hadn't happened, but I am overwhelmed with the reactions from everyone. This fandom isn't without its fair share of drama (and it still isn't, because some people are still assholes), but for the most part, it's such a tightknit and amazing place right now.

Everyone keeps saying how this doesn't make any sense, because no one had any idea at all that he was struggling let alone having such a difficult time that he would think this was his last option. He was just one of those people that's always there for everyone else. The stories people are sharing about what Justin did for them whenever they needed help is just awe-inspiring. But when it came to asking for help for himself, he simply couldn't, which I can so understand.

But god, please do ask for help. If you're ever feeling like you're reaching the end of your rope and like you don't have any other options, please say something to someone. Don't be ashamed, or embarrassed, or feel unworthy of being helped, because you matter. Even if you don't think you do.

I'm off to watch the memorial livestream they're doing for him, but I'd like to share a couple of his videos with you so you can maybe see in him what many of us loved about him. This was his last appearance in a video - a very catchy tune that he collaborated on, recorded the day before. He's the one in his signature yellow hat.



Even if you don't know anything about him or what he reviewed, please watch the following video. It's something everyone can relate to, and it gives you an idea of the kind of person he was and why so many people loved him.



Thank you, Justin, for sharing so much joy and happiness with us and for inspiring so many. You are loved and missed ♥

"Say not in grief, 'he is no more' but live in thankfulness that he was."
~Jewish proverb
 
 
Current Mood: sadsad
Current Music: JewWario memorial Radio Dead Air broadcast
 
 
SiriuslyLupin
08 January 2014 @ 06:30 pm
I really need to start updating my LJ again. I feel like I've been a horrible LJ friend, because I hardly ever comment anymore and I make actual posts even less. Although I really don't make New Year's resolutions, I think I'm going to use the new year as motivation to become active on here again. Thank you if you've hung around and you're still following this.

I posted a year ago tomorrow about my asshole stalker EX about him sending me Christmas presents after we hadn't spoken in well over eight year by that point (by my choice). Seems like the perfect time to do an update on him. He'd been in prison since we stopped talking, and I wished he'd stayed there, because it was when he got out last December that he started the constant attempts to try and talk to me again.

I sent one of his Christmas presents back to him unopened (he sent two, the other of which I only opened because I hadn't realized who it was from, and it promptly went in the garbage). You'd think this would be enough for him to stop contacting me, but oh no. Not him, because he's a fucking fruit loop and wouldn't know reality if it bit him in the ass. I just didn't realize how crazy he really was.

When he got his Christmas present back, he called, and called, and called numerous times a day, every day. I was getting phone calls at the time that were only labeled as coming from the city where he lived, so I suspected they might be from him, and I was right. I won't answer the phone if I don't know who it is, and whenever my dad answered, the coward hung up. But I did eventually answer because he ended up calling one night at midnight. Who the hell calls someone at midnight?? I know he's unhinged, but for the love of god. I only answered it, because I thought it must be some sort of emergency coming that late at night.

I hung up as soon as I realized it was him, but he kept calling until I talked to him. This man...you really need to hear him to believe it. The crazy that oozes from him is just unbelievable. He has all these fantastical ideas that I'm not going to go into detail about, because I don't want to make it too obvious who I'm talking about should he ever stumble upon this. I don't think he would, because I've been very careful about keeping my full real name off the internet as much as possible, and he has no clue what screenname I'm using now. He even said that he searched the internet high and low trying to find me, and he came up empty. Good. That's the way I want it, which I told him. He asked, "Because of me?" When I said yes, he seemed to think that was hysterical, because he laughed. Like a fruitcake.

Anyway, he took this phone conversation to mean that I was open to communicating with him again. Um, no. Which I told him, and I only talked to him that one time, because I felt coerced into it. But he wouldn't take no for an answer, so I threatened to go to the police. He said he didn't care, so to the police I went. For all the good it did. They called him and gave him a verbal warning, to which he sent me a text asking, "How could you do that to me?" Oh, honey, don't you dare. I warned you, and you said you care, so don't you dare blame me for it. But I'm not really surprised. This is how he is. He never takes responsibility for his actions and always blames someone else for the trouble he's in. It's always someone else's fault, it's never his.

I ignored his calls and texts, which the police advised me to do to no avail. This fucking moron just doesn't get the picture. To make a long story short (too late), I spoke to the police about a retraining order, and I am just stunned by what I have to do in order to get one. Firstly, they cost about $300. What the actual fuck. They want people to pay $300 in order to protect themselves?? Second of all, I'd have to go to court and testify against him, because he has a right to defend him. Um. It's kind of hard to defend yourself against the amount of harassing texts I have saved in my phone. Not to mention, I really don't want to have to go to court with him. That's kind of the point of wanting a restraining order in the first place - so I don't have to see or talk to him anymore! The police said that I could probably request to not be in the courtroom when he is, but that's not really good enough. Probably? Is this what they tell women who are being beaten by their husbands for heaven's sake? What a load of shit.

So that all turned me off to the idea of a restraining order, and I decided to just ignore his calls and texts which I had been doing. Until I got out of work one night in October to dozens and dozens of texts and voicemail messages from him that had accumulated in the span of a couple of hours. They were still coming in so furiously, I didn't even have time to read or listen to one before the next alert popped up. Ridiculous. And obviously from a flipping nutcase. Again, you had to actually see and hear these things to understand how very insane he sounds. He can't even put together a coherent sentence. I know most people don't care about grammar and spelling in texts, but at least try and put something legible together. His were just...some of were absolute rubbish, making absolutely no sense at all that I could see. Again, just oozing with crazy.

I talked to him one last time, and he still has no clue about what a total and complete stalker he's being. He talks to me like we're good old friends. What the everloving fuck? He seriously has no concept of reality. Again, he has these nutso ideas and...just wow. The man to be in a padded room.

So I changed my number, which turned out to be the best thing I ever did. It has been such a relief to not have to worry about getting these incomprehensible messages on my phone. But then I've been wondering when he would try sending me something again. I hadn't heard from him since October, and just knew it was too good to be true. I ended up getting a letter from him a few days ago, and guess what? It's hysterical. It's from prison. Again. Oh, so that's why it's been so nice and quiet these last few months.

I sent it back unopened, but I'm past the point of hoping that he'll get the idea. Not that I need to read the letter to know what he wrote. I imagine he claimed that he's innocent and that the police are just out to get him (because the police obviously don't have anything better to do with their time than to frame a lunatic), and that he needs a friend in prison, because he's oh so lonely. Um, yeah. Make friends with your cellmate. I'm sure he'll help keep you warm during these cold January nights.

But do you have any idea how much safer I feel knowing that he's locked up again? I really feared that he'd end up coming to my house or something, and now it's such a relief to know that he can't. This is where he belongs. It's really not safe for him to be walking the streets. They need to throw away the key.
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SiriuslyLupin
02 January 2014 @ 12:01 pm
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SiriuslyLupin
01 January 2014 @ 12:01 pm
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SiriuslyLupin
31 December 2013 @ 12:01 pm
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SiriuslyLupin
30 December 2013 @ 12:01 pm
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SiriuslyLupin
29 December 2013 @ 12:01 pm
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SiriuslyLupin
28 December 2013 @ 12:01 pm
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SiriuslyLupin
27 December 2013 @ 12:01 pm
  • Thu, 17:50: What part of "Your keys weren't turned in" do you not understand? Telling all the employees to check again is not going to make them appear.
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SiriuslyLupin
26 December 2013 @ 12:01 pm
  • Wed, 20:05: *waits for the Wii U to update* In my day, we just plugged the console in, put in a cartridge, and played.
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SiriuslyLupin
25 December 2013 @ 12:01 pm
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SiriuslyLupin
24 December 2013 @ 12:01 pm
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SiriuslyLupin
23 December 2013 @ 12:04 pm
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SiriuslyLupin
22 December 2013 @ 12:01 pm
  • Sat, 20:50: RT @TheOnlyMikeJ: Today 2 of my oldest friends get married. They met in school and have been together 10+ years. If that ain't just romanti…
  • Sat, 23:01: RT @quotes4writers: #writing #quotes | If you make your living writing, and you can't write anything, it's over. It's very frightening. ~ S…
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SiriuslyLupin
22 December 2013 @ 04:02 am
Title: Love Isn't Perfect 4: Missing Pieces
Chapter: 11/?
Author: SiriuslyLupin
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Despite the increasingly worrisome Death Eater situation, Harry Potter finally feels as if things for his family are falling into place. Everyone is healthy and happy, something it seems they haven't been for a very long time. That, however, is about to change when the mother-in-law he's never met turns up out of nowhere. Harry's wife, Laine is completely caught off guard by the mother she hasn't seen in over twenty years, and her entire world is about to be turned upside down.
Word count: 66,219 and counting
 
 
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SiriuslyLupin
21 December 2013 @ 12:01 pm
  • Fri, 23:12: Watching the #FrightNight remake for the first time. One of the few remakes that I'm impressed with and doesn't feel completely pointless.
  • Fri, 23:28: Get the hell out of the car and fucking stake his ass! #FrightNight
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SiriuslyLupin
20 December 2013 @ 12:01 pm
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